By Denise Palmisano
I used to think being peaceful, successful or happy was to strive to avoid interruptions, setbacks or breakdowns in my plan, agenda or attachment to an outcome that wasn't working for me. At the same time, I also thought that if I could hold onto an experience, person and situation that was working for me I would be peaceful, successful and happy. I am here to admit, I was wrong with both of those beliefs.
That is not always the most effective way to navigate or experience life or relationships. While there are actions, structures and plans I can put in place for some things, it is not the rule. There are no guarantees. Control is an illusion. It is a false sense of safety and security designed to generate and perpetuate fear, scarcity, overwhelm and disconnection from yourself and others.
Old programming has everyone up to the same thing. Maybe you are currently experiencing being controlled or manipulated by others. Are you allowing yourself to be held hostage in their agendas, attachments and plans of what will work for them and not necessarily for you? Likewise, are you holding others hostage in your agendas, attachments or plans?
Observing how you and others hold on and generate this crazy making will allow you to see how and where to take responsibility to interrupt and intervene as part of your own dignity and integrity.
The mere fact that we spend so much time and energy managing, controlling or manipulating in order to have things constantly line up to our satisfaction is evidence of how out of control we really are.
You, your life situations, people and the universe are constantly moving, changing, transitioning and evolving. To try to hold on at any level is like trying to hold your breath and expecting not to have to gasp for air or pass out. Your resistance to the natural flow of life is limiting your possibilities and experiences.
I am going to suggest, you will have more of the experiences that are important to you when you are open to learning, designing, navigating, coordinating and integrating in the midst of your ongoing and everyday life situations. Trusting that you have all you need for whatever comes up is your safety and security.
You can resign as general manager of the universe. You no longer have to put your life on hold as you wait for the perfect situations to line up before you move forward on the things that really matter to you. You get to live your life full out in each moment.
Trying to hold on can lead to unnecessary tension, stress, disease and disconnection. It is possible to learn how to intentionally and purposefully, question, observe and choose what you want to risk, experience and create.
What are you holding onto?
What's the pay off or benefit?
What's the cost of holding on?
Are you ready to move on and end the crazy making?
By Denise Palmisano
This is the final part in this series. I am facilitating a more extensive course on relationships June 26 & 27. This is a 2 day, on-site course that will connect the dots of the conversations that have been started in these weekly reflections. If you are ready to take responsibility for the quality of your relationships, Click here to register for this course.
If you missed any of the other emails on Relationships, Click here.
Week 1 - I introduced the concept that your destiny as a human being is to be in relationship with other human beings. You were born into the basic human need to experience love, acceptance and connection with other human beings. To resist this inherent truth will have you suffer on many levels. We are incapable of reaching our potential without being in human relationships. Therefore, relationships could be said to be crucial to our human evolution.
Week 2- I expanded on suggesting that each of the many types of relationships support us in authentically knowing ourselves. I claimed that each and every relationship has a purpose, a role and a reason for being what it is at this time in our life. Our actions or lack of actions in our current relationships are a result of our past associations, and prior programming of relationships in general. The mere mentioning of someone's name whether we know them or not, generates an experience and energy in us. Those experiences and that energy either opens or closes possibilities for the relationships in our lives. Knowing what opens and closes possibilities in any and all relationships will be a crucial step in co-creating, designing and sustaining relationships. I hope you had an opportunity to do the exercise.
Week 3 - We took an external and internal look at the many filters we bring to a relationship. Those perspectives expanded your awareness to show you how filters further impact how we experience, enhance, or limit our many relationships. I talked about filters being a form of protection vs. a form of knowing or wisdom. Most of your suffering and limitations in relationships have more to do with filters, old programming, ego and interpretations than the TRUTH! Hanging onto filters that are not working for you are self-imposed disconnections, walls and limitations.
I invited you to find your breath and that place inside of you where your internal stillness and wisdom reside. The exercise invited you to focus on your breathing without judgment as you asked yourself various questions about your current relationships. Overall, these exercises are intended to show you more about yourself and how you relate to others.
Week 4- I invited you to end the repeated cycles in your relationships by clearing the chaos and clutter. This is the next step in making room for new and different relationships to show up even if that new and different relationship is with a person already in your life.
I asked you to embrace that you have co-created your relationships with your filters, boundaries, stories, habits and beliefs. By taking on the exercise, you were able to notice the "What was working and what wasn't working in each relationship". This information and observation allowed you to take responsibility for integrating a support structure and practices that will allow for overall, healthier relationships.
Week 5 - The invitation was to practice self-care, compassion and non-judgment for your process of integrating the practices outlined in previous weeks. I also suggested that you create a support structure to be with you in this process. The practices of revealing and moving through your filters and limitations to authentically knowing yourself and what is really important to you in relationships can be quite a daunting task if you try to do it alone. Letting go of the old programming might stir up new layers of fears or limitations. Trust that you can handle whatever comes up.
This week, I invite you to welcome all that comes into your awareness. Again, without judgment, allow your observations to flow without making up a limiting story or interpretation of yourself or your relationships. Use what is emerging for you as information for what is next.
What is next for me to reveal?
What is next for me to heal?
What is next for me to experience?
Wishing you love, light, peace and joy as you practice, integrate and evolve into your authenticity, wholeness and potential in all of your Relationships.
Please share what you learned or what you saw possible as you practiced authenticity, taking responsibility and integrity in your relationships.
Click comment, located above this week's article if you would like to join me in this conversation.
If you would like to schedule a 30 minute complimentary session to discuss this process or anything that came up for you, Clicking here.
by Denise Palmisano
What are you observing and noticing as you take responsibility? What fears, issues or concerns are coming up as you attempt to take action or have conversations about what isn't working?
Chances are you have taken 2 steps forward and three steps back to a lesson of a previous week. That is why a support structure is so necessary. I am going to invite you one more time to enroll a few people to be your support structure to be with you in this process. As you continue to reveal more of your filters and limitations you will find many layers and roots to authentically knowing yourself and what is really important to you in relationships.
When you can truly know what you are up to, you will see the shifts begin to happen. This is the end of the innocence and you are awakening to more authentic relationships. That is sometimes a time of sadness, and grief as you say goodbye to old habits and old programming. To add to that, it can often bring on confusion and fear not trusting what is next. Breathe, you are exactly where you need to be for what is next.
Most of us were not taught effective relationship skills growing up. If you continue to depend on your old programming, you will probably find that you are less than equipped to handle what is coming up in your current day relationships. You are not alone. Don't give up. You just haven't practiced integrating steps of effectiveness to the point that they are transparent.
This week I invite you to practice compassion and non-judgment for yourself as you integrate the work of the previous weeks. I have witnessed thousands of people repair, restore and create thriving relationships over the last 20 yrs. They all used some variation of the information I am giving you in this Relationship series. This week, I invite you to practice self-care in your relationships.
Since you are the only person you have any real control over, I invite you to take responsibility to take care of yourself. We already established how energy either opens or closes possibilities for the relationships in our lives. Consider anything or anyone that depletes your energy as an opportunity for learning. Don't make them wrong or blame them. This is about you. Focus your attention internally.
Be an observer of the many ways you give away your energy, power and resources. Ask yourself the question, "If I were to take care of myself in this relationship, what actions and conversations would I integrate?
© 2009 Empowering Potential LLC.